My thoughts 26 July 2017


I mean asalamalikuim warahmahtulahi wabarakatoe may the peace mercy and blessings of god upon you all

I don’t know anymore…… Sometimes it is so busy in my head there is no room the think…… It literally hurts.

Things from the past torcher me and stuff happening now scares me and stuff in the future makes me anxious. I have a tik….. It’s not a nice one….. It involves picking scabs and infections of the staph kind. I am so disappointed and even angry at myself pecans this wound is at least the size of a two euro coin and is as itchy as being bitten by at least 20 mosquitos consecutively. It’s the irritation the itch that drives me crazy. And through my anxiety I don’t go to the general practitioner very often because I have worried about how I am to be perceived. Which is stupid cos he’s my family doctor.

Sitting in my own home and I wonder will I be alone forever… I found out after years of conversation and an of and on relation with L I found out at the end of August he marries a girl young enough to be his daughter…… And all I get is a broken heart again. I like to think the best of people. That’s just who I am but if you are going to mess with me I would go through the motions of systematically being shunned and made to feel that I am useless…

Anyway L was coming to spend time with me apparently in the evening but I popped into my old work place to see if he wanted to eat and if I hadn’t I’d of been none the wiser and he would of carried one lying to me trying to have his cake and eat it. Now this guy has played with my heart string in 2011 the december I started working for shop one. A small neighbourhood cafe open until one. I haven’t believed that he loved me for a while even though he said things like….

I missed you

I love you

Your the only one.

This is morrally wrong. M didn’t love me either not how I needed his upbringing was so different from that of mine. And again sporadic thought mean for a sporadic blog.

Khadija out

Asalamalikuim warahmahtulahi wabarakatoe may the peace mercy and blessings of god be upon you all


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